...it's not a chore
...it's not miserable
When you're in love, you're willing to
go to great lengths for the one you love. Travel long hours just to
be with them. Stay up late just to hear their voice. Spend a small
fortune just to see them smile. Jump at every opportunity to be
together. Think about them all the time.
Yet, why does my relationship with God
feel like a “duty” or a “sacrifice”?
Why am I unwilling to go to great
lengths for my Love?
Answer: I don't love God.
Simple as that.
I am lukewarm and mediocre. I've been
feeling so unfulfilled and dissatisfied. I haven't been enjoying God
or basking in His love. And, I've been trying to pretend and play
perfect.
God doesn't desire a picture-perfect
pretentious relationship. He knows that I don't love Him the way I
should. And He knows that I can't love Him.
Unless He changes me.
So, I laid it on the table; I told Him
how I feel.
I told Him that He isn't the most
important thing in this life to me – and I'm sorry.
I told Him that I've been lukewarm and
chosen trite things over Him time and again – and I'm sorry.
I told Him that I want for Him to
change me – I long to genuinely enjoy Him.
I told Him that I want to love Him more
than anything on this earth – but I'm not strong enough to love Him
and walk with Him on my own, so I need His help.
I told Him that I want to be willing to
give up everything for Him – that He is absolutely worth it.
I told Him that I want Him. And even
when I don't, I want to want Him.
I told Him that I surrender.
I think that A. W. Tozer put it well in
his book Pursuit of God when he wrote,
“O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, 'Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.”
That is my honest desire. My constant
need. My continual prayer.
One step at a time,
Rachel
